Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
3:9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
3:10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
3:11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
3:12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
3:13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
3:14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
3:15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
3:16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.
3:17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
3:18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.
3:19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.
3:20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.
3:21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth? 3:22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him
Change not my Favorite Thing. That was not the first choice for this Blog. My first choice was Know your roll and shut your hole. But I thought that was a little crass and not really very nice. So Change it is. I decided that CHANGE is a word I have always hated. I like the "stats quo" I like to bebop through life with everything the same and no changes ever. BORING you say, SAFE I say. But as we read the scripture above we know that by God's design Change is coming and its important for our growth in Him. This is scripture we all know, a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to be born, a time to die. Lays it out pretty plain. Life is going to Change wether I want it to or not.
The last few years have been very hard on my "status quo" seems like I blink and 10 things have changed and I have no control. This is by design, of our most gracious God. It's to teach us not to depend on our selves but to pur our blind faith in Him. And I must confess at times my faith is very week. I fight Depression, that is caused by a lot of different things, my health being one and the make up of the genitics of my Brain, and many more personality defeciancies. And God made me just as I was suspose to be, so maybe Depression in the thorn in my flesh.
2 Corinthians: 12:5 Of such an one will I glory: yet of myself I will not glory, but in mine infirmities.
12:6 For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.12:7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.12:8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
So I know when I am weak, then am I strong.....because this is when I should be letting God carry me, instead of letting the devil whisper in my ear. I have been thinking about the Changes that come with life. I guess that is what has set my Depression in hyperdrive. (Plus many extra steriods in the last 2 months). I see Logan at 5 months old and know that the Love he brings is impossible to explain. How is it a baby so helpless, that depends on its Mom and Dad for everything, he can't feed himself, he can't change his diaper, he can't even turn over by his self yet, can fill you with so much Love. But he's learning new independant things every day and it gives us such joy just to look at him. The ages birth to 5 are amazing how much a tiny little being learns is just 5 short years. And all we want to do is hug him up kiss him and savor that moment when he smiles just for you. The love you feel for a baby is indescrible. Then we get into the "school" years when we love them just as much and more because we have known them so much longer. Then it becomes homework, ball practice, band practice, run here, run there. I need a dollar for this and a dollar for that, I say you get dollared to death. You get so caught up in whats going on and what you need to do, you don't enjoy that little person as much we should. We still love them and they still crawl up in our laps until their way to big and you get that breif overflowing of Love that you felt when they were 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months and 5 years old. Then their 10 and you really don't know how that happened, because you have been busy, busy, busy. Then we get to those teen years and early 20's. When that wonderful baby becomes one of the stupidist thing you have ever had to deal with in your life time. There is bad report cards, laziness, wrecks, speeding tickets, filth and the fear that every time they leave your home you will never see them again, in this world. You don't like the boyfriend, or you don't like the girlfriend, and all you can do is pray. And you not only are mean, but if you really loved me you'd let me do what everyone else is doing. It's a hard time, but you still love them more than your own life. My cousin Amy's husband Jeff told us one time somthng that his grandmother always says, that Kid has to figure out how to get over DUMB hill, for some its the size of a speed bump and for some its the size of Mount Everest. Then you get to that point they start to grow up and mature, and the parents roll begins to change. They really don't need us any more and if we have done our job well they should not need us any more. In the way they use to, but they should still want contact with you. Now comes that empty nest. They start flying away to build their own nest with their own mate. You pat your self on the back and say my job is done. No body is helpless anymore and needs me to pick them up and just hold them. The roles start to reverse, the next thing you know is your 50, your life plan has not gone exactly like you planned, but I'm sure it's just what God has planned. They don't have time for you. You are no longer important in thier lives. And you look at your life and you see how much effort you put into keeping close to your partents. You did this for your parents, your self and your children. And you see how useless your life has become. You beign to feel like your just a burden to everyone. Nobody cares what your thinking. Nobody really wants to just sit and have a conservation with you. You might have the pity calls from one or two of them and the others don't seem to care if your even breathing. No one trust you to do anything, because of stupid words like Myasthenia Gravis, Asthma, Fibromyalgia. Your just barley trust worthy enough to look after a dog durning the day. And then you get questioned about that, did you feed her today, when has she been out. No your not trustworthy enough to even cook anymore, you burn everything because you have changed to cooking for 6 to 2 and have a new stove that is eletric and not gas like you have always used. Even thought you love the glass top burner because it stays much cleaner. So its easier just to let them fend for their selves and not eat, then when their having a conversation your not important enough to be included in what's funny. Their all laughing and you say whats funny, hoping for a chuckle, and they say we're not talking to you. Nothing you need to worry about. Now my Depression is showing, if it wasn't for Bitz I wouldn't even crawl out of the bed most days. I felt needed and that I had purpose when I was keeping Mackenizie and Maddie. Nothing like a little one to make you smile. But I can't have that with Logan because of the distance between our homes and the fact that I'm untrust worthy. Now we have the Holiday's, wich use to be my favorite time of year, time to spend with family and friends. Now I just can't wait for it to be over, because I always get my feeling hurt or hurt someone elses feelings. I strive for Rodney and I to be gone Mothers Day and Fathers Day, so that it's not rubbed in my face how unimportant I have become in my family's lives. I don't want presents, I want presence. I sit her on Thanksgiving Day, not being Thankful. Just being sad. And I know how Blessed I am, I pray that God give me a better attitude everyday but it just seems to be getting worse. I don't want to be the center of the universe, I just wish that I was part of the universe. I don't even need to be first, just included. I don't know if I will publish this one, I've sat and cried the whole time. But I thought if I didn't get my feeling down in black and white I would burst. When I count my Blessing it would take years to name them all and then they would just keep adding up. I know I'm Blessed, I know God loves me and sometimes I just want to be there with him and not here. If I do publish this one it will be as a request for prayer, I have no doubt that God can fix me, but maybe he's waiting on me to do my part, and thats what I'm asking pray for that I do my part to make this better, but if you've never dealt with Depression you can't understand the whole i'm in and I just want out. See why I said Know your role and shut your hole. That's how I feel my life has become, but the problem is I don't know my role and my hole never shuts until I've hurt feeling, mine included. This scripture below has been my mantra for weeks now. This is my prayer. Thanks for listining.
Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in your
sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.
