Change not my Favorite Thing

Ecclesiastes 3:1 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: 3:2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; 3:3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; 3:4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 3:5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 3:6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 3:7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 3:8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
3:9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
3:10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
3:11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
3:12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
3:13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.
3:14 I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.
3:15 That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.
3:16 And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.
3:17 I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
3:18 I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.
3:19 For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.
3:20 All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.
3:21 Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth? 3:22 Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him

Change not my Favorite Thing. That was not the first choice for this Blog. My first choice was Know your roll and shut your hole. But I thought that was a little crass and not really very nice.  So Change it is. I decided that CHANGE is a word I have always hated. I like the "stats quo" I like to bebop through life with everything the same and no changes ever. BORING you say, SAFE I say. But as we read the scripture above we know that by God's design Change is coming and its important for our growth in Him. This is scripture we all know, a time to laugh, a time to cry, a time to be born, a time to die. Lays it out pretty plain. Life is going to Change wether I want it to or not.

The last few years have been very hard on my "status quo" seems like I blink and 10 things have changed and I have no control. This is by design, of our most gracious God. It's to teach us not to depend on our selves but to pur our blind faith in Him. And I must confess at times my faith is very week. I fight Depression, that is caused by a lot of different things, my health being one and the make up of the genitics of my Brain, and many more personality defeciancies. And God made me just as I was suspose to be, so maybe Depression in the thorn in my flesh.

2 Corinthians: 12:5 Of such an one will I glory: yet of myself I will not glory, but in mine infirmities.
12:6 For though I would desire to glory, I shall not be a fool; for I will say the truth: but now I forbear, lest any man should think of me above that which he seeth me to be, or that he heareth of me.12:7 And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure.12:8 For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me.
12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
12:10 Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

So I know when I am weak, then am I strong.....because this is when I should be letting God carry me, instead of letting the devil whisper in my ear. I have been thinking about the Changes that come with life.  I guess that is what has set my Depression in hyperdrive. (Plus many extra steriods in the last 2 months).  I see Logan at 5 months old and know that the Love he brings is impossible to explain. How is it a baby so helpless, that depends on its Mom and Dad for everything, he can't feed himself, he can't change his diaper, he can't even turn over by his self yet, can fill you with so much Love. But he's learning new independant things every day and it gives us such joy just to look at him. The ages birth to 5 are amazing how much a tiny little being learns is just 5 short years. And all we want to do is hug him up kiss him and savor that moment when he smiles just for you. The love you feel for a baby is indescrible. Then we get into the "school" years when we love them just as much and more because we have known them so much longer. Then it becomes homework, ball practice, band practice, run here, run there. I need a dollar for this and a dollar for that, I say you get dollared to death. You get so caught up in whats going on and what you need to do, you don't enjoy that little person as much we should. We still love them and they still crawl up in our laps until their way to big and you get that breif overflowing of Love that you felt when they were 5 minutes, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months and 5 years old. Then their 10 and you really don't know how that happened, because you have been busy, busy, busy. Then we get to those teen years and early 20's. When that wonderful baby becomes one of the stupidist thing you have ever had to deal with in your life time. There is bad report cards, laziness, wrecks, speeding tickets, filth and the fear that every time they leave your home you will never see them again, in this world. You don't like the boyfriend, or you don't like the girlfriend, and all you can do is pray. And you not only are mean, but if you really loved me you'd let me do what everyone else is doing. It's a hard time, but you still love them more than your own life. My cousin Amy's husband Jeff told us one time somthng that his grandmother always says, that Kid has to figure out how to get over DUMB hill, for some its the size of a speed bump and for some its the size of Mount Everest. Then you get to that point they start to grow up and mature, and the parents roll begins to change. They really don't need us any more and if we have done our job well they should not need us any more. In the way they use to, but they should still want contact with you.  Now comes that empty nest. They start flying away to build their own nest with their own mate. You pat your self on the back and say my job is done. No body is helpless anymore and needs me to pick them up and just hold them. The roles start to reverse, the next thing you know is your 50, your life plan has not gone exactly like you planned, but I'm sure it's just what God has planned. They don't have time for you. You are no longer important in thier lives. And you look at your life and you see how much effort you put into keeping close to your partents. You did this for your parents, your self and your children. And you see how useless your life has become. You beign to feel like your just a burden to everyone.  Nobody cares what your thinking. Nobody really wants to just sit and have a conservation with you. You might have the pity calls from one or two of them and the others don't seem to care if your even breathing. No one trust you to do anything, because of stupid words like Myasthenia Gravis, Asthma, Fibromyalgia. Your just barley trust worthy enough to look after a dog durning the day. And then you get questioned about that, did you feed her today, when has she been out. No your not trustworthy enough to even cook anymore, you burn everything because you have changed to cooking for 6 to 2 and have a new stove that is eletric and not gas like you have always used. Even thought you love the glass top burner because it stays much cleaner. So its easier just to let them fend for their selves and not eat, then when their having a conversation your not important enough to be included in what's funny. Their all laughing and you say whats funny, hoping for a chuckle, and they say we're not talking to you. Nothing you need to worry about. Now my Depression is showing, if it wasn't for Bitz I wouldn't even crawl out of the bed most days. I felt needed and that I had purpose when I was keeping Mackenizie and Maddie. Nothing like a little one to make you smile. But I can't have that with Logan because of the distance between our homes and the fact that I'm untrust worthy. Now we have the Holiday's, wich use to be my favorite time of year, time to spend with family and friends. Now I just can't wait for it to be over, because I always get my feeling hurt or hurt someone elses feelings. I strive for Rodney and I to be gone Mothers Day and Fathers Day, so that it's not rubbed in my face how unimportant I have become in my family's lives. I don't want presents, I want presence. I sit her on Thanksgiving Day, not being Thankful. Just being sad. And I know how Blessed I am, I pray that God give me a better attitude everyday but it just seems to be getting worse. I don't want to be the center of the universe, I just wish that I was part of the universe. I don't even need to be first, just included. I don't know if I will publish this one, I've sat and cried the whole time. But I thought if I didn't get my feeling down in black and white I would burst. When I count my Blessing it would take years to name them all and then they would just keep adding up. I know I'm Blessed, I know God loves me and sometimes I just want to be there with him and not here. If I do publish this one it will be as a request for prayer, I have no doubt that God can fix me, but maybe he's waiting on me to do my part, and thats what I'm asking pray for that I do my part to make this better, but if you've never dealt with Depression you can't understand the whole i'm in and I just want out. See why I said Know your role and shut your hole. That's how I feel my life has become, but the problem is I don't know my role and my hole never shuts until I've hurt feeling, mine included. This scripture below has been my mantra for weeks now. This is my prayer. Thanks for listining.

Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

Wisdom

I have been wondering WHY, I haven't had anything pressing on me to Blog about. Usually it has to do with something that is really on my mind and that I just can't get rid of till I write about it. But the last few weeks I have had nothing. The same with my cards. I love making cards and sending them to my Church family and my Community. As I hear of sickness and struggles or just something silly that I want to brighten someones day. As you have probably heard the United Postal Service is nearly bankrupt and I take some of the responsibility for that because the cards have not been flying out of my house like they were for a little while. But I like to wait for God to let me know what I need to write and where I need to send a card. And I just plain ole haven't gotten a message lately. I have stamp, ink, paper, envelopes, just waiting for the go ahead.

So this morning the thought came to me," maybe you need to be studying my word(you know the HOLY BIBLE) right now". Could that be a clue. And I believe that is right. Because I have had Wisdom on my mind a lot the last few weeks, and we started lessons Sunday in Sunday school about Wisdom and then Brother David brought his message and their was a lot of Wisdom talk. Then Sunday night I was so tired and we had been to the Freeman's and I thought I'm not going to Church to night. But something urged me to go, because were going to Windcreek State Park the next 2 weekends and then the IVIG treatment starts the day after we get home. So it will probably be 3 weeks before I'm back in my Church. So I got on up and went and was soooooooooo Blessed by God. Brother David read 1Corinthians chapter 1 & 2. And we had the most wonderful discussion about Wisdom. Willard Moore our Sunday school teacher said we were getting all over the next several weeks lessons. Then it hit me, this is for me. And I need the next 3 weeks to dig and read and study and ponder God's words on Wisdom.

I, have not Wisdom, oh I have sense enough to get out of the rain. But that is about the natural man. I feel like Rodney and I are pretty wise with out money, because we don't have much, but it's always enough. But that is a Blessing from God, not really about anything Rodney or I do. I'm thinking about my Spiritual Wisdom. So I changeling everyone who might read this to ponder and read and study God's Word the next 3 weeks on the subject of Wisdom. I plan to, I hope to have a conversation with y'all about God's Wisdom. And why we will never really attain true Wisdom till we reach Heaven, because this ole person I will get in the way. I will be moving forward and then all the sudden I shows up and I get all STUPID AND CRAZY. So this was what was on my mind this morning and I hope it will be a help to you. The scripture below is from the NIV HOLY BIBLE. This is just a portion of what Brother David read to us Sunday night. And when you read this and see all the spelled words and grammar errors, you will understand a little how God could use the Foolish to confound the Wise.


1 Corinthians 18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. 19 For it is written:

“I will destroy the wisdom of the wise;

the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate.”[c]

20 Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? 21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. 22 Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.

26 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. 27 But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. 28 God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, 29 so that no one may boast before him. 30 It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 31 Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

Fair

FAIR. How many times a day do we use this word. I have had it on my mind lately and of course in all FAIRNESS I'm up at 2:30 am heating pad to my back, wondering why everyone else I know is sleeping peaceful and I'm NOT. It's just not FAIR. LOL. I looked up the definition of FAIR and was shocked at how many different meanings they're for one little bitty word. Below is some of the things I found. The first is more what I was thinking of when the word goes through my mind. But to be FAIR I have also included all eleven definition that I found. So lets ponder the word FAIR together. Also, to be FAIR, I threw in the definition for the word FAIRNESS.

Synonym Discussion of FAIR

fair, just, equitable, impartial, unbiased, dispassionate, objective mean free from favor toward either or any side. fair implies a proper balance of conflicting interests . just implies an exact following of a standard of what is right and proper . equitable implies a less rigorous standard than just and usually suggests equal treatment of all concerned . impartial stresses an absence of favor or prejudice . unbiased implies even more strongly an absence of all prejudice . dispassionate suggests freedom from the influence of strong feeling and often implies cool or even cold judgment . objective stresses a tendency to view events or persons as apart from oneself and one's own interest or feelings

Definition of FAIR
1: pleasing to the eye or mind especially because of fresh, charming, or flawless quality
2: superficially pleasing : specious
3a: clean, pure b: clear, legible
4: not stormy or foul : fine
5: ample
6 a: marked by impartiality and honesty : free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism b (1): conforming with the established rules : allowed (2): consonant with merit or importance : due c: open to legitimate pursuit, attack, or ridicule
7 a: promising, likely b: favorable to a ship's course
8 archaic: free of obstacles
9: not dark
10 a: sufficient but not ample : adequate b: moderately numerous, large, or significant
11: being such to the utmost : utter

fairness n.
Synonyms: fair1, just1, equitable, impartial, unprejudiced, unbiased, objective, dispassionate
These adjectives mean free from favoritism, self-interest, or preference in judgment. Fair is the most general: a fair referee; a fair deal.
Just stresses conformity with what is legally or ethically right or proper: "a just and lasting peace" (Abraham Lincoln).
Equitable implies justice dictated by reason, conscience, and a natural sense of what is fair: an equitable distribution of gifts among the children.
Impartial emphasizes lack of favoritism: "the cold neutrality of an impartial judge" (Edmund Burke).
Unprejudiced means without preconceived opinions or judgments: an unprejudiced evaluation of the proposal.
Unbiased implies absence of a preference or partiality: gave an unbiased account of her family problems.
Objective implies detachment that permits impersonal observation and judgment: an objective jury.
Dispassionate means free from or unaffected by strong emotions: a dispassionate reporter. See Also Synonyms at average, beautiful.

I have done a search for the word FAIR or FAIRNESS in the Holy Bible, because that is where we should seek answers for the question that worry our minds. It is the absolute best guide for our lives. This is what I found on the internet.

No fairness in the Bible?

Sacred Scripture offers us little help in making this distinction. “Fairness” does not appear in the Bible. The term “fair” appears many times, though usually without a moral meaning. For the most part, it describes someone or something that is comely, beautiful, well-constructed, or placid. In Job 42:15, we read, “[N]o women so fair as Job’s daughters.” In Song of Songs 6:10, the bride is praised as being “fair as the moon, bright as the sun.” In Numbers 24:5, the author exclaims, “How fair are your tents, O Jacob!” In Acts 27:8, St. Paul arrives at a safe port on the southern coast of Crete that is named Fair Havens.

There is but one exception to the non-moral use of the word “fair.” In both Matthew 15:26 and Mark 7:27, Christ tells the Canaanite woman that “[i]t is not fair to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs.” The Greek word employed in both these texts is kalóv, which is sometimes translated as “right” rather than “fair.” kalóv is a versatile word and can also describe that which is beautiful, good, or proper. Yet “fair” in these two passages is not distinguishable from “right” or “just.”

Now are you as confused as I am. Well I think it's only FAIR, if you are. I want to talk about FAIRNESS in the context of what we perceive as JUST, EQUAL, the SAME as everyone else.
When I was a child I remember having to share a stick of chewing gum with my sister. Mama never let us have a whole piece, which I never thought was FAIR. And we were always afraid that one of us would get more that the other, that would have been completely UNFAIR. So Mama in her wisdom would give the stick of gum to one of us to break in half, but the other one got to pick the piece they wanted first. So if you were the one breaking the stick of gum you folded is so precise so that is was completely even. That way you knew you were getting your FAIR share. If she had let me break it and then choose of course I would have always gotten the bigger piece, because as you know, I was the oldest and that was only FAIR.....We always had to do this with most everything, cookies, candy, what ever we were both wanting at the same time. Now that I'm older I understand better why we had to share that stick of gum. We were poor and it was a treat, not a necessity. Funny how now I can see it, but that's what you get when you grow and get a little wisdom from life.

When my children were little the FAIR word was used a lot. That's not FAIR. Why are they getting to do this or that activity and we're not. Well most of the time is was because we were just poor, in money. Raising four children on a budget for two didn't seem to FAIR even to me. Or rules, that was one of Joshua's hardest things when he was little. "Mama your just not being FAIR" was one of his favorite phrases growing up. He didn't like the rules. I would say if you don't like the rule work to change it, oh that defiantly was not FAIR. I tried to explain to him that life as we know it is not FAIR, ever, you just have to learn to live with it. We tend to say that something is not FAIR, when its something we want that we probably really don't need or we see someone else have something we desperately want that we can not achieve.

I know this has been a strange topic. But like I said it has really been on my mind. Is it FAIR, that some people prosper and other seem to struggle for every little thing. Is it FAIR for some to be sick and struggling while other never even have a runny nose. Is it FAIR that so many people who would love to be working can't for some reason, health issues, or just the fact that they can't find a job. When things get hard for us we tend to start yelling this is just not FAIR. Why does my life have to be so hard and others just never seem to have problems. Well I have decided that we are very selfish creatures. I want every thing you have, plus more, then I will think I've been treated FAIRLY. LOL. This is not God's way or plan. God is JUST. But we need to look at it spiritually not physically. He gives me everything I need when I need it and how it is best for me. God doesn't measure FAIR, the way we do. FAIR is being given the opportunity to have Jesus as our personal Saviour. It is freely given, yes I said FREELY, to ever human being. How much more FAIR can you get. I am reminded of a song I want to share:

Farther Along
attr. to W. B. Stevens
alt. by Barney E. Warren, pub.1911

Tempted and tried, we’re oft made to wonder
Why it should be thus all the day long;
While there are others living about us,
Never molested, though in the wrong.
Refrain:
Farther along we’ll know more about it,
Farther along we’ll understand why;
Cheer up, my brother, live in the sunshine,
We’ll understand it all by and by.

Sometimes I wonder why I must suffer,
Go in the rain, the cold, and the snow,
When there are many living in comfort,
Giving no heed to all I can do.

Tempted and tried, how often we question
Why we must suffer year after year,
Being accused by those of our loved ones,
E’en though we’ve walked in God’s holy fear.

Often when death has taken our loved ones,
Leaving our home so lone and so drear,
Then do we wonder why others prosper,
Living so wicked year after year.

“Faithful till death,” saith our loving Master;
Short is our time to labor and wait;
Then will our toiling seem to be nothing,
When we shall pass the heavenly gate.

Soon we will see our dear, loving Savior,
Hear the last trumpet sound through the sky;
Then we will meet those gone on before us,
Then we shall know and understand why.

So when we are yelling that's not FAIR, maybe the more correct thing to say would be WHY. And we all know only God knows our WHY. We are just sinners saved by Grace, and that carnal man will ask that question often. We want to see JUST, in a fallen creation. We will never get it here on earth, in this earthly body. But one day when we go home to be with Jesus, he will explain the Why of everything, and everything will be FAIR. But I think I will be too busy praising God, the Father, and Jesus the Son that it really want matter any more. And in Heaven I want be worrying about who got the largest half of that piece of gum. Because it just want matter. It's hard to wrap our head around this because we are still in our human body. But what a joyous thought, the complete and utter FAIRNESS, that we can all go to heaven, and all you have to do is ask. WOW now that is FAIR.

Is my Glass half full or half Empty?

Just look at the wonderful family God gave me. My cup should be running over everyday. It should be an eternal spring that just bubbles up in my heart. And look at our big boy Logan 7 weeks old, you can't help but smile when you see that face. All ready for Church last Sunday. The pictures are a reminder for me of what I have to be thankful for every minute of every day.

Psalm 23:1 The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.


Psalms 69:1 Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul.
2 I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me.
3 I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God.


A pessimist is one who makes difficulties of his opportunities and an optimist is one who makes opportunities of his difficulties. ~Harry Truman

A pessimist sees only the dark side of the clouds, and mopes; a philosopher sees both sides, and shrugs; an optimist doesn't see the clouds at all - he's walking on them. ~Leonard Louis Levinson

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute. ~Gil Stern


Life if a funny thing. You think you finally have everything figured out and something unexpected comes along and slaps you in the face. That's the feeling I've been having lately. I always thought I was a glass half full optimist only to be knocked down by the fact that I'm a dyed in the wool pessimist.

I have recently turned 50. I really didn't think it had bothered me very much. So I'm 50 over half my life is gone. I've had a good life. God has richly Blessed me with a wonderful husband who I love to the very depths of my soul. God has blessed me with 4 wonderful children, who have all made the decision, in their lives, to have Jesus as their personal Saviour. Both of my boys have Godly women for their spouses. And I have become a Grandmother for the first time. One of the most joyful things in life. And after meeting Logan Connor Freeman, Justin's first child, I know what every grandparent is talking about, he is wonderful. What a joyous day that was for our family. I think it is mainly HOPE you receive from that tiny little thing that looks at you knowing all of his needs will be met with no problem. His glass is half full. If he needs it, it is there, with all the love and tenderness that comes with the love of a new child. And I'm looking forward to more grandchildren from Joshua and Amy, Justin and Leslie. And also from Chelsea and Anna when God introduces them to their life mate and they marry. I have a roof over my head that has been paid off for a while. I have reliable vehicles to get me where I need to go. I have too much food to eat, you can tell this just by looking at me. I have many people in my life who I love and loves back. What a wonderful life. Glass should be half full. Well shouldn't it be.

But I find my self feeling empty. Psalms 69:1 Save me, O God; for the waters are come in unto my soul. 2 I sink in deep mire, where there is no standing: I am come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. 3 I am weary of my crying: my throat is dried: mine eyes fail while I wait for my God. Why can't if feel like my cup runneth over as in the 23rd Psalms. That is such a comforting scripture, but I find no peace in it today. This makes me feel like a failure. I know that people have troubles and trials. I deal with Myasthenia Gravis and IVIG treatments every 4 weeks. But everyone has troubles and trial. Some so much bigger than mine. I really feel guilty, and that just adds to my pessimism. I want to be a glass half full person. I want to lift others up when they are down, but its so hard sometimes when I feel like I have nothing to give.

Today I need to be that very positive person, for my girls. As everyone knows Anna
is having multiple medical problems. That I feel guilty about because I'm afraid she inherited all things bad from me. And it is making Chelsea sick. She has actually thrown up a couple of time just from stress. I don't know what we will find out today. Probably not much because I figure we will be looking a more testing. We would just like to have an answer. So we can get a plan. To me that is a half full person. Have a plan and carry it out. But the pessimism in me knows no plan we make will ever go as we plan. I had prayed for strength for today and a good nights sleep. Well God decided that sleep was not that important for me. Maybe taking a little stock in my life was more on his mind. I am going to try to start my day with a smile for my girls and myself. We are going to start our day a little early by having a big breakfast at Cracker Barrel with Mama and Daddy. You all know I find courage in food. I also figure we will have ice cream or a milkshake today. And might even throw in some onion rings...lol...I wish I didn't find such comfort in food but that's just the way it is for me. I hope my milk shake glass stays half full all day.

Pray for us today, we need to be lifted up. The increased spinal fluid Anna has will be easy to fix the first time, just drain a little off. It's the long term diagnosis that concerns me. And I want even put voice to all the things that could be causing this. But as we know something is causing it and we really need to know what that is so we can get our plan...lol I am weak in body today because of the bronchitis, and this should be my really good week. So I know plans never work out the way we plan, but I do know that God's plan is always perfect, that is defiantly a glass half full thought. I just need to know that The Lord is My Shepard and I shall not want. And today I will rebuke the devil, and say get behind me satan( I'm not even going to give him the satisfaction of capital letters). I think I'll take that as my mantra today and maybe that milk shake cup will stay half full all day.

About My Sweet Anna( Or as she is know at home Eeyore)

Two quotes from Eeyore "

"It's snowing still," said Eeyore gloomily.
"So it is." said Pooh
"And freezing."
"Is it?" said Pooh
"Yes," said Eeyore. "However," he said, brightening up a
little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately."
From "The House at Pooh Corner"

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The House at Pooh Corner The old grey donkey, Eeyore stood by himself in a thistly corner of the Forest, his front feet well apart, his head on one side, and thought about things. Sometimes he thought sadly to himself, "Why?" and sometimes he thought, "Wherefore?" and sometimes he thought, "Inasmuch as which?" and sometimes he didn't quite know what he was thinking about.
From "Winnie the Pooh"
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2 am and all is well. LOL. I wish this was true. Head pounding and nauseated waiting for medication to kick in so I can go back to sleep. I thank everyone for their prayers and concern. I can pretty much handle the ups and downs in my life, because I have accepted God's plan for me. And this may be because I'm older( yeah 50 makes you older) and have more experience from God to help guide my way. But as you know when it's one of your babies going through a trial, it seems to hurt so much more. Anna is really down, I know all of this is for the Glory of God. But my mama's heart would much rather it be me have a trial right now and not my baby. But how do I expect them to grow in their faith and walk with God if they don't go through these trial in life. And my goodness this is nothing compared to God sending Jesus to us to be the sacrifice for our sins. I just makes me love him more. So help me pray that we go through this little trial in a way that God will be Glorified and someones life will be touched by how we handle our selves. Anna has been struggling with horrible headaches since back in October-November. When she went to the OB/GYN for regular check up they found that her prolactin levels were really high This in its self can cause many problems. Prolactin is made in the pituitary gland, one of many hormones that it makes. The pituitay gland is about the size of a pea and if you put your finger between your eye brows it is right about there. Really close to the optic nerve. They did a MIR that was pituitary specific and no large tumor was found, but that dose not rule out a micro adenoma of the pituitary gland(meaning tiny, tiny, tiny begin tumor). She has started on medication that has had to be changed 4 times trying to get control of the headaches. Nothing has worked for her headaches so they are sending her to a Neurologist. I made her go to the chiropractor thinking this would help the headache. No luck. Then all of the sudden she could not wear her contacts. Her vision was very blurry and she had to go to wearing her glasses all the time. So we went to get her eyes checked Tuesday, after going to have going to have blood drawn to see what the medication has done to correct the prolactin levels. We just thought it would be normal eye check, get new contacts and new glasses,and headaches would be gone. But the eye doctor found increased pressure on her optic nerves. which if you remember is right there at the Pituitay Gland. They took photos of the optic nerves, which were pretty cool. And the doctor sat with us to explain what she thinks is going on. Anna has an increased amount of cerebrospinal fluid, that is putting pressure on her optic nerve, hence the uncontrollable headaches. She goes this morning for visual field test to see if it is affecting her peripheral vision. All of this is really a blessing because it gives us more info to take to the neurologist. She will probably have to have a spinal tap to see what the pressure is and have some drained off. But because this is something the body makes all the time this may not fix the problem. The eye doctor said that there is medication she might could take, but I don't know of any and have not felt like reasurching it. Or she could have to have a shunt put in to take care of extra fluid. To place a shunt they go into the brain and put a tube in that drains the extra spinal fluid in to her abdominal cavity where her body get rid of it all by it's self. This is not a bad thing except that shunts can move or fail and sometimes it has to be done over and over. All of this on top of all she has went through with her knees( rehab and knee braces all the time and orthotics in her shoes) and tonsils(oh, yeah she may be having to have tonsils out). Has really gotten her down. As everyone know Depression is a major problem in my family so I worry about this also. So I have written this so that everyone will know what is going on and what to be praying about. !. that we show Christ in every step of this treatment process. 2. that our faith grows stronger in God through this trial. 3. that the problem can be fixed where the headaches go away, because her pain is getting worse and worse. 4. that we are accepting of God's plan. 5. that she doesn't fall in to a deep depression over all to these things. 6. and that she dosen't end up in an "earthquake" (quote from Eeyore) . We already call her our Eeyore, because she loves Eeyore so much. I just don't want her to turn in to him.

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Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
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2 Corinthians 12:9 But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
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Ephesians 3:16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,

I am Thankful

Well, its already been on of those days, didn't sleep well. Mama called before 7:30 and woke me after I finally got to sleep after 6:30. Our cows at her house were out. A tree had fallen on the fence. I Had to get girls and Christy up. The Cows were easy to get put up, but there was a big hole in fence. Rodney said take metal panels cover hole and park tractor in front of it. It's like a 1000 degrees out. Bitz got stung by wasp, I got stung by wasp. The girls were nearly late for work so I braided 3 heads of hair. I a load of clothes washing and that needed to be hung out. Dropped an broke a plate, had to sweep the whole kitchen floor, now my back is killing me. And my heating pads not working right. Went ahead and cooked chicken tortellini for supper, its in the oven ready to eat. I scrubbed out sinks and commodes while I was already hot and sweating like a pig.(do pigs sweat?) Bitz and I took Bendryl because my leg was swelling from wasp sting. And Alevee for my back. Then Chelsea called to tell me she threw up in Piggly Wiggly parking lot, no fever. Feels OK waiting to see if she throws up again. I think she got too hot patching fence(at least that's what I hope). :P But I thank God my day is not as bad as the one Nolan had yesterday. And it just proves GOD is Good all the time, we need to count our Blessings. Because even in all that chaos this morning he was still God. And how many blessings did I come home to this morning. A nice soft bed and not a pallet on the floor made out of straw crawling with bugs. I did not have to carry my clothes to the creek and beat them on a rock to get them clean. I did not have to start a fire in my stove to cook my supper. I did not have to catch, kill, and pluck a chicken to have one to cook. I didn't have to make dough to make my pasta, and my Alfredo sauce came in a jar. I Thank God for brooms, I did not have to go out and cut sage brush to make one, I just picked mine up at walmart. And I am thankful for plastic plates because that's what we will eat supper on tonight. Thank God for comet that cleans with out making me wheeze so bad. And air conditioning that God blessed someone to invent. I have girls that have no problem, being drug out of bed, driving a tractor and running cows and patching holes in fences til their daddy can get home to fix it right. Oh and thank God for celling fans, reclining chairs, and sweet dogs that sit in your lap. Medication to help nausea and bee stings and back pain. Oh and running water in my house so when I cool off I don't have to go down to the spring to wash off, I can get in my shower and run water as long as I want. And for power, we all don't like to do with out power. I thank God I still have both of my parents, my sister and her precious family and brother and his precious family. I am thankful for my wonderful husband who is a little over protective, but show me he loves me every day. And all my children who all know Jesus Christ as their saviour and are good moral people. I am thankful that God sent Joshua and Justin good christian women for their wives. I am thankful for our little Logan who is healthy, beautiful, and has such a sweet disposition, he is just content. And I believe that has a lot to do with what a good job his mom and dad are doing. My bones are tired today, I may not get up out of this chair again today. But the God who is on the mountain is the God who is in the valley. But the main thing I should be thankful for is that God sent his only begotten Son to earth to die for my sins. That I'm a sinner saved by Grace. There is no way to name all my blessing from God, and I need to remember each day to say thank you and to Rejoice that I am a sinner saved by Grace and for all these other things that really doesn't mean so much in the big picture of life. Thank you God for your many Blessings on me.



4 Rejoice in the Lord alway: and again I say, Rejoice.
5 Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
10 But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity.
11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

My Horrible Week :) there is a time for everything : even Green Monsters

This was the best part of my week. :)

Well I guess I'm to the point I can laugh, so I thought I'd share with yall, the reasons last week was so horrible that I threw my self that big ole pitty party. As everyone knows I get the lovely IVIG ( immunogoliblin G, someone elses antiboties) every 4 weeks. And one of the best friends I've ever had, Kerry Quinn, comes and spends 3 six hour days with me in a row. We have a blast between the headache and nasuea. We watch movies, catch up on each others lives and solove all the worlds problems. This was the first treatment I was having since I became a Grammy to our sweet Logan, and we had a lot to catch up. And I knew I would not get to see him for several days, so Rodney took me over there Monday and I got to spend the afternoon with our little man while his mom, dad, and Grump all got a nap. Could not have planned it better if I had tried. So Monday was great. Then bright and early on Tuesday Kerry comes, and I get a truck load of pre-medications so that I can live through the headache and nasuea. Well we didn't have my Toradol. My fault. I had ordered it but had not remebered to have Rodney pick it up. Kerry was very concerned about strating the IVIG with out it being here. So I had to call the pharmacy to make sure it was ordered and then call Super MAMA and her and daddy went to Gadsden to get it. Of course we went ahead and started the IVIG with everything else in our arsnel of pre medication. This includes 80mg of steriods on the first day. I know most everyone has had a steriod shot or takes a dose pack and kinda know what it dose to you. HYPER to the point of MANIC is the only words I can think of to describe how it affects me. And I don't sleep the frist night at all. I had a superduper headache and nasuea was so bad I threw up for the first time in months and months. We lost power, in the last little bit of a movie Kerry and I were watching, and when it was time for her to go home, it was total slience in my house. I think i've told y'all before I don't care very much for silence. I raised 4 loud children, kept Laura's 2 and a couple more and I thrive on loud chaos. That is one place me and Laura are different she loves the slience and solitude, and I just hate it. So Kerry came her 3 days. We had a great time other than the headache and nasuea. Rodney went to see Logan Wednesday afternoon to take him his tree. That's another story. But I thought that was a foul, he should not have gotten to see little man with out me. I know I'm being petty and jelous and God really frowns on those traits. But lets be honest, I was petty and jelous. Then Chelsea and Anna went to see Logan on Thursday evening after they got off work. I know they had not seen him since the weekend but it didnot help the green monster that lives inside of me. Then came Friday, the last day Laura would be home for over 2 weeks and she had wanted Mama, Me and Her to all do something together that day, before she flew off into the wild blue yonder on Saturday. Yeah, you guessed right I had a 101 fever witch is normal, the headache with is normal and horrible nasuea witch has gotten to not be normal. So I didnot get to go with Mama and Laura. They ran into Justin, Leslie and Logan in walmart. Green Monster rears its ugly head again. So here we had the perfect storm for me to be feeling very sorry for my self. It dosn't take much to get me there these days anyway. It had stormed the ground was good and wet, I was by my self, with a 101 temp. feeling pretty yuck. And Bitz needed to go potty. As you all know she is very very very spoiled...lol...to put it mildly and will not go off the porch unless I do. So my plan was to go down a couple steps, fake her out and sit on the steps and let her be out side and do her business. The best laid plans of mice and men...lol... I stepped wrong on the bottom step, yall all know I fall down all the time. Well you got it right I fell,my right foot went up under me and made a loud pop, remember I like loud so God gave me a little taste of a different loud. I fell backwards on the to steps and hit hard with my left buttocks. The sun was out bright and hot. And I couldn't get up. Oh i'll call someone to help me get up. Oh yeah I left my cell phone on the table. But who would I call if I had it. Mama and Laura were gone, they were looking at my baby in Walmart. Rodney and the girls were at work. I know Javin would have come and helped me BUT I didn't have a phone. And I think if I had of screamed all day he would have been too far away to have heard me. So I was stuck. Head pounding, nasuea like you wouldnot beileve, pain in my foot so intense it brought tears, and my butt hurt. So I sat and sat and sat for about 45 minutes, until my strenght came back enough to pull my self up the steps, of course Bitz was trying to help :) Myasthenia Gravis is an evil thing, becasue it weekens the muscles and the more you try to use them the weeker they become. So I would say it was about an hour and a half ordeal and only one car came by the whole time. I waved big but I guess they just thought I was being freindly, cause they didn't even slow down. Threw up when I finally got in the house. Cried the rest of the afternoon, so I was a pleasure to be around when Rodney and the girls got home that evening. I didn't tell them I fell, but you can't fool Rodney Freeman he wanted to know why I was limping and I said I fell taking Bitz out. Then he lectured me about the steps for the millionth time. Oh yeah and it was a holiday weekend and those are always hard for me. Because I try to be the good mother and don't make plans so my married children are not pulled in 2 different directions. I figure if they want to see me they will come. And I do get them for their birthdays. Sunday I didn't get to go to Church, but that is usaual, but I think the Green Monster should have went, it needed a good preaching to. The girls had to work and the minute they got home they left to go to Church with Justin,  Leslie and Logan because they were having fireworks at their church and refreshments after, which I'm sure was a lot more fun than sitting with the Green Monster. I was still not feel great Monday but Rodney and the girls were home and cooked ribs and made homemade strawberry ice cream. That was nice. Joshua and Amy stopped by on their way home. And Justin got to spend the weekend home with his new family. So it all worked out the way it was suspose to. My foot is still swollen, but i've used my x-ray vision and nothing is broken except my pride. I look like some took a sharpe and drew a big black line straight across my left buttocks. So to sum my week up, it was horrible, but it was the week I was suspose to have. And I don't understand the ways of God but I do know he know the whole story, from begining to ending and when I get to heaven if I take time from praising God he may share the why with me, but by then I don't think i'll even care, it will just be a little blip in the time I spent on earth. Maybe it was to let me see that I can still cry, because it has been a long time since I have made tears. And tears are good to wash the soul. I do believe Ecclesiastes 3. There is a time for everything. And I'm sure my time to laugh is coming. Writing this has helped me take stock of my life and maybe put the Green Monster in its place for a while. I'm sure I will see it again because i'm just human. I think that is the point I want to make with this. We are all just human, we are just sinners saved by the Blood of Jesus Christ. And there is a time in our lives for every emotion, and sometimes its good to cry. And we know only God can beat that Green Monster i've read the book and we do win in the end.

Ecclesiastes 3



1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

14I know that, whatsoever God doeth, it shall be for ever: nothing can be put to it, nor any thing taken from it: and God doeth it, that men should fear before him.

15That which hath been is now; and that which is to be hath already been; and God requireth that which is past.

16And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there.

17I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.

18I said in mine heart concerning the estate of the sons of men, that God might manifest them, and that they might see that they themselves are beasts.

19For that which befalleth the sons of men befalleth beasts; even one thing befalleth them: as the one dieth, so dieth the other; yea, they have all one breath; so that a man hath no preeminence above a beast: for all is vanity.

20All go unto one place; all are of the dust, and all turn to dust again.

21Who knoweth the spirit of man that goeth upward, and the spirit of the beast that goeth downward to the earth?

22Wherefore I perceive that there is nothing better, than that a man should rejoice in his own works; for that is his portion: for who shall bring him to see what shall be after him?